Ugh. Another failed relationship, and another failed relationship with a NARCISSIST to boot. Read somewhere yesterday that is it in the nature of relationships to END, but why is that so? This person wasn't even so great, and wasn't that important in my life; it's the fact of yet another relationship not working out that bums me out. (But why was I friends with a person not so great? you might be asking) Well, there are other factors. Like, why can't I be friends with someone not so great? Why do I have to totally LOVE all of my friends? Can't I have a casual friend? And, this person might have had a kid who my kid liked. A wife who I kind of liked (when she wasn't being totally passive aggressive about, well, just about everything). This person has been mad at me for a long time, but has never said anything directly to me. On my birthday evening, his wife called to wish me a happy birthday from her and her kid (not from this guy). Classic PA. I don't even know why he has been mad at me; all I can think of is that since the birth of his kid, which he was totally panicky about, I've stopped treating him like my son, and started treating him like an adult (i.e., I've stopped showering him with attention and nurturing, partly because it's been MY turn to need some, though since he's a narcissist, this never would have occured to him). I've probably been more attentive to his kid than him, BUT THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO. Hey, can we all just GROW UP here? Man, am I ever in the WORST mood!!! Today has SUCKED, both at work, and in the personal arena. I've been waging battles all day with idiot workers, and as of today, a former friend. After a day of emailing back and forth, the wife of the guy I mentioned a few weeks ago (the one who was posting cryptic messages about me on his own blog) and I just entered Splitsville. I don't care so much about the relationship, which was dying a slow death anyway; what I care about is her twisting of my words, past actions, and general persona, not to mention her complete denial of her WHOLE LIFE situation (she is married to a classic narcissist, but has no clue, and they are both ENTRENCHED in a deep, deep depression). I'd been keeping my distance for the last few months, but after she made multiple attempts to reach out, I finally broke down and agreed to confront her. Which didn't go over so well. There's one thing I truly can't stand, and that is BEING MISUNDERSTOOD. Now she's not only misunderstood my message, but shot me with a few pints of venom. Which stings, even though I should tell myself it's not me, that she's just a dysfunctional person. Blah! Relationships - argh. What do you do when a friend needs to be confronted, but you're not sure you have the energy, or if you even want to confront her? What if her husband is a dysfunctional schmuck who is bound to her like a Siamese twin, and who is also mad at you, inexplicably, even though neither of them has said anything to you, and even though the wife continues to reach out to you, albeit passive-aggressively? Does this make any sense? I am very tired. My (ex?) narcissist friend is posting cryptic messages and thoughts about me on his web site/blog. Bizarre, the way blogging has entered the realm of relationships. I realized that I don't miss C (the friend I mentioned a few weeks ago, with whom I "broke up") or what passed for our friendship at all. It feels cleansing to be rid of all that. "... anything or anyone / that does not bring you alive / is too small for you." -David Whyte, "Sweet Darkness" I have three new large and ugly zits on my face. My dad, whom I used to idolize, is a template for the Classic Narcissist. He doesn't speak to us, mainly because I refuse to cater to his delusional view of the world (which always comes at my own expense), but mostly because I've stopped worshipping him. This is mostly tragic because he is missing out on his granddaughter's life. Even if he were to get in touch with us now, he's totally missed out on her toddlerhood, which is now over. How that can be acceptable to him is beyond me. But I guess that's what makes a narcissist a narcissist. The idea of unconditional love is foreign to him. My dad is essentially incompetent, and doesn't know how to parent, or grandparent. He never learned how. But that still doesn't make our interactions any less painful, or possible. A disturbing yet in interesting question has arisen regarding the blogging issue. Someone sent me an anonymous post last night, re: a former friend (whom I believe is my cyberstalker). In this post, that former friend and spouse were named, some history was given, and the anonymous poster confirmed that his/her experience was the same as mine. So, I was completely validated, yet also creeped out! How did this unknown person find my blog? The answer is obvious: through the stalker's own blog, which, as I noted before, has a link to mine. The deeper issue here is: what is a blog? Is it truly OK to post your most honest thoughts? What if someone from your Real Life finds them, reads them, and gets hurt? Should you not post "hurtful" things simply to protect someone else? What about your voice? Shouldn't that be allowed to be heard? Isn't that one of the beauties/rewards of writing? This extends to non-blog writing as well. Example: About 10 years ago, I published a book, which experienced moderate mainstream "success," but which, truthfully, was a bit unsatisfying. Only a small portion of the writing was my own; my job had mainly been to edit other peoples' work and create/manage the whole process. If I ever publish again, there will certainly be people who are hurt by my words, since most of what I write is based on my past true experience, much of which has been painful. It is healing to write down these experiences, most of which were not able to be heard or acknowledged for decades, if at all. I don't write about these things with the intention of hurting people; rather, I write to be heard. And what is the alternative? To keep everything inside and grow a tumor instead? For me, the urge to write has always been fueled by the urge to be heard and to communicate my thoughts. In college, I took an English course entitled "Contemporary and Avant-garde in Fiction". I didn't actually "enjoy" the class, which was largely over my head at the time, but so many things the professor said have been lodged permanently in my brain; I can still see him standing in front of class, saying these things. One of them was, Everyone who keeps a journal knows in the back of their mind that it will one day be read by someone else-and he/she keeps that in mind while writing every entry. This Friday is the 50th birthday of one of my ex-boyfriends, a member of the All Time Top Five. I feel this (perhaps dysfunctional) urge to send him an email, or just a poem, or something, just acknowledging the day in some way. If it was a different birthday, I wouldn't bother, but it feels like one of those milestone moments, and since I thought of it, why not reach out? We've been in scant touch(though not recently) since things broke off, just a few emails back and forth, each acknowledging how we butchered the relationship and making peace of sorts. The last I heard, he moved out of his house to live with a woman in an upscale Connecticut town, near NYC. A major step, given his commitment issues. He sent photos; she's attractive, athletic, thin, and doesn't wear a bra (unless it's just a really bad one). Meow! Naturally, I did some investigating, though I didn't find out much. I found out her last name and her age (41 or 42--there are two women in her town in CT with her name, which is very common one). She's not a doctor or lawyer or academic (I checked all of the databases, as these would likely be his preferences). I also discovered that they traveled to Paris, Spain, and Costa Rica. And, she has a big dog. Anyway, they could be married by now, for all I know, which would definitely sting, even though that's not rational. I don't particularly want to open up that can of worms, but the birthday thing has got me thinking. I'd want someone to do that for me, I think. And, life is short....Oh, who knows what I'll do. I need to reclaim my blog. It's stopped becoming a place to vent and explore my thoughts, and has become less individual, more trivial, and more self-conscious. It's become less for me. I've felt this most keenly since my discovery that I am being stalked (which continues on, though I have no idea why). So....from now on I'm going to try to put down the things that matter to me most, without so much regard for other people and their reactions. If you have a reaction to something I write; that's great; if not, that's great, too. I'm not writing for a reaction; I'm simply writing to get things out there.